Playgrounds and straws.

So this morning, as I was rushing out of my car, I realized I forgot my purse in the back seat. As I reached to grab it, the straw from my drink quickly jammed up my nose. How do you like that for a Monday morning visual? Jammed. It hurt. I closed the car door as my eye flooded with tears! Only one eye though. Call me one-eyed Jen. Or don't. But man alive that hurt. So my Public Service Announcement for the day is this: when you have a drink in your hand, and find yourself in a rush, beware of the straw. It just might jam up your nose. Aaaaaaaand scene.

In other news, there's a super familiar scripture that God is highlighting for me today so I thought I'd share it. It's Philippians 4:8 and it goes a little something like this: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I've been going over this scripture with our 9 year old as we've been talking about training our minds to push out the negative thoughts; but it's not until yesterday that something jumped out at me, kinda like my straw did today.

Whatever is true. That's what hit me. Whatever is true. Now you would read that and automatically think it pertains to telling the truth, or not believing a lie...and while yes, I'm sure that's part of the intent of the scripture, I'm looking at it a little different today. With my right eye. On account of my straw debacle.

Have you ever spent time allowing your mind to wander in a daydream or a fantasy of sorts? You know what I mean, single gals, you daydream about meeting the right guy. You plan what he will look like, you plan out your entire first date, you plan out what you will wear (and always in your daydream you are at least 15 pounds lighter and you have impeccable hair.)

Or maybe you fantasize about a dream job you so desperately want and so you envision every detail about getting the job and what you will do with the extra income and how you will dress (see, it always goes to our looks right) and different details surrounding that.

Perhaps there's a hard conversation that needs to take place between you and someone else, and so you play up the conversation in your mind, blowing it way out of proportion, in turn keeping you from having the conversation for fear of it going the way you've imagined.

Maybe you dream about the call God has on your life, but you let your own spin on that call get in the way and so you begin to daydream about what you *think* God would have you do. Sure, it's God centered, you want to serve Him and you are ready to answer His call, but you plan the entire road leading to that call, fixing all the details that God is surely to leave out...

Anyone? Perhaps I'm speaking to myself here. My mind can be consumed, and I mean consumed with stuff that's not currently true. I'll daydream that I have unlimited funds to re-decorate my house (I absolutely love home decor and study it often) and I'll spend hours in my head doing just that, re-designing my home from front to back. Now is that necessarily wrong? No, probably not. The love for decor was given to me by God, I believe that. But do I need to waste precious mind space re-designing my house with my imaginary thousands? Probably not.

Or perhaps you're like me and spend way too much time analyzing conversations, did I say this right, did I do this right. Should I have said this, should I have not said this. Should I jam a straw up my nose again?

Our imaginary list can go on and on until we are blue in the face, at least mine can. Listen, our minds as women can be playgrounds. We ladies have the ability to allow our minds to run wild with imagination! Why do you think Soap Operas and Fantasy Novels are such a hit among women? Because we are emotional beings, created with such an intensity inside of us, an intensity longing for purpose. God made us to be emotional, there is nothing wrong with it, but if we are not careful, what we do with our emotion has the ability to leave us longing for more in the playground of our mind.

When we over indulge with our imagination, we forego allowing God to do what He aims to do in our lives. When we daydream about a particular thing, it becomes so commonplace in our minds, that we remove the ability to be excited about the new stuff God does. Does that make sense? For example, God has called us to this exciting and phenomenal life right? He has so many twists and turns that He longs to take us on as we journey through this vapor called life. However, when we allow our imagination to overtake us, we put God in the box of our limited imagination. So when God moves in our life, we don't know how to adjust to His moving if it's not within the parameters of how we expected Him to move.

Whatever things are true.

If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. Take some time to think about God's goodness. Thank Him that He didn't give you what you imagined Him giving you! I sure do that. I'm thankful God didn't fulfill things I daydreamed about years ago; in fact, He went above and beyond anything I could ever hope, dream or imagine for. He's good like that. Has God done anything excellent for you lately? Think about that! Has He done anything you can praise Him for? Oh I'm sure He has! Think about that. I find myself thanking God often for the simple things we take for granted. I'll thank Him for running water. I'll thank Him for heat, for food, for clothes. Or get a little more intense with your thanks and ponder your redemption. Think about His mercy to lift us out of the miry clay. Think about His great love for you and for me. Think about those things...

When we really accept the challenge given to us in this scripture, we ultimately leave room for God to move on a level that's not limited by our imagination. When we literally think about the things we're being encouraged to think about in Philippians 4:8, then God is able to speak to us in His sweet and precious voice and we are able to hear it. Why? Because our minds are not cluttered, they are not full of worry or over analyzation or wishful thinking.

My challenge to you and ultimately to myself is this, if it's not happening right now in our lives, don't waste precious mind space over it. Sure its ok to dream, of course! God wants us to live in a place of expectancy for our direction. He gave us our imagination so that we would have the ability to run with the dreams that He puts in our hearts. But the danger of the playground is this: when we allow our imagination to camp in a place God is not intending it to camp, we quickly deaden our spiritual senses. There. That's really all I needed to say I guess! Don't park your mind on something that's not true. And be careful of straws. Aaaaaaaaand scene.

Join the Club!

The devil is slimy. I know it's not proper punctuation to write his name with a lowercase d, but it's always bugged me to capitalize it! He does not deserve it. So lowercase d it is.

That old filthy serpent likes to do all he can to throw us off the intended path that God has for us; anything he can do to sidetrack us, he will do. And it does not always appear to be him, often times our distractions are so subtle, happening over time, that before you know it, you find yourself in a place you never intended to be - moving further away from where God has called you to be - or shying away from using the gifts that God has given you to use - or worst of all, doubting that God loves you. The devil will even work through well meaning people to thwart you; remember the scripture that says "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities..." So rest assured, when you are discouraged by a person, either their actions or what have you, you gotta know that it's not them, it's the principality working behind them. Sure, they could have bad intentions toward you and actually be glad at your demise. Run from those people. But then there are times when the devil will even use someone you would never, ever expect!

I'll give you an example.

I have different women that I like to follow on Instagram and such, women that inspire me to reach to a higher level in my walk with Christ. I love to see what they are doing, be it a Conference they are speaking at or just a random picture or perhaps sharing an encouraging thought. I learn a lot from ladies that I'll never have the chance to know, but thanks to social media, I can feel like I do.

Well, without even realizing the subtle move of the devil, I found myself having the following thought in my head one day after seeing something posted by one of these amazing women: "you are nothing in the Kingdom of God."

Now, I know that's not true. My heart absolutely knows that God has a call on my life and I believe I'm currently doing my best to live that call out to the fullest. But that's the subtle way the devil moves...after that thought came in my mind, I didn't reject it. I didn't rebuke the devil, I didn't encourage myself in the Lord, as I should have. No. I let the thought stay. I didn't meditate on it or anything, but I didn't disregard it either.

And so it sits. And grows. Until, like mold grows on a rotting object, other negative thoughts begin to spring board off the initial thought, and you find yourself in a very negative thought pattern. All lies. All things that go against what the Word of God says about you! Oh he is subtle. That filthy devil.

Thank God for His great mercy, His great kindness, His great love - that while the devil works his subtle moves, God comes in at just the right time with His might and His power and peels back the veil, allowing you for a moment to actually see the subtly in action! Thank you Jesus for your flashlight.

Mine came on Wednesday night at church. Joey said something that absolutely stuck in my heart, revealing to me the subtly of satan that I've allowed to settle in my heart. He said, "It's my faithfulness that makes me important to God." The whole Word that Joey shared that night encouraged me to the fullest, well, minus his embarrassing comment that may or may not have referred to, um...never mind.

My faithfulness is what makes me important to God. Now of course we know that we have to do nothing to be important to Him, we already are important as His Children, we know that. But this particular statement was just what I needed to have highlighted to me that night, my faithfulness is what matters! It does not matter that I'm not out doing what women I admire are doing, I'm doing what God has me doing, and I'm trying to do it with all the faithfulness I possibly can. I can't walk the walk that other women are walking, I don't have the grace for their walk. I can't imagine the struggles they face and obstacles and challenges that come against them as they strive towards the call God has on their life, I can only live out my call. And my call is great in the Kingdom of God. And so is yours.

So today, let me leave you with a scripture that encouraged me this morning and brings tears to my eyes right now:

1 Peter 2:9-10 says, "But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light. 10 “Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God’s people. Once you received no mercy; now you have received God’s mercy.”

So much in this to grab hold of for your life today, and for mine. But I love "Once you had no identity as a people, now you are God's people."

There ya go. Once upon a time, that subtle thought that ran through my head was true, I was nothing in the Kingdom of God. Because I didn't know Jesus, and I didn't know the Kingdom I was missing out on. But ever since the crazy age of 14 years old when I accepted Christ, I've been something in the Kingdom of God! I may be a work in progress, I may miss the mark a lot, a whole lot - I may not be anywhere near I should be or will be, but one thing is for sure, He called me out of darkness into His wonderful light! Oh man!! Little old me. He called me. And He has gifted me. And yes, I am something in the Kingdom of God. I'm a whole lot of something. And so are you.

So no matter where you are in life today, if Jesus is Lord of your heart and soul, then rest in the fact that you absolutely do matter in God's great Kingdom! You have something to do for Him, something that God has tailor made just for you to do. Feel insignificant? Join the club. Feel incapable? Join the club. It's a great club to belong to though. It's a club full of people that God says He chose! It's a club full of people that are royal, that are holy, that belong to God. I'm down with this club. Join me, will ya?

A 5 year old Sargent

You ever need a little motivation to do something that you really don't want to do? If so, you can borrow my 5 year old, she's good for it.

Yesterday, I was talking out loud (something I do ALL the time...) and Lily chimed in with her response to said out loud talking. I was saying how I just did not feel like getting on the treadmill, I wasn't sure that I had the energy to knock it out. She said, "yes you do, you just have to believe in yourself!"

Well, with a challenge like that from a mini person, what else can you do but tackle the thing you really don't want to do. So it was off to the treadmill I went.

I thought I'd share my motivating 5 year old with you all today; "YES YOU CAN! YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!" Whatever you are facing today, know that you CAN do it.

1 John 5:4 says, "For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith."

Did you know that you are an overcomer? I forget that. A lot. I'm an overcomer. I'm born of God, I'm made in the image of the creator of this entire universe. He created everything from the Sun, Moon & Stars down to the gnats that drive me absolutely insane. He took such phenomenal detail in everything that He created, so surely He would not do any less when it came to breathing life into little old me. I am born of God. So I'm an overcomer. And so are you.

Whatever difficulty lies in your path today is but a mere vapor in the scheme of this grand existence. And friends, your existence is indeed just that, it's grand. There is something so wonderful for you to do; and could it be that the difficulty in your path is simply the stepping stone to that wonderful grandiosity you have been called to? God's good like that, He takes the hardships that we face and puts a "God Spin" on it, turning it into something good. Something grand.

You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself.

If God can breath life into trees, flowers, animals and at His best humans (although perhaps we'd debate this one, depending on the day we've had,) then we must know that He has given us the tools we need to succeed through the trial. He gave every animal the tools needed to survive, what's different with us? He has given every plant, every flower, the soil, the water, the "tools" needed for them to survive, what's different with us? He says in His Word that He cares for the sparrow, HOW MUCH MORE FOR US!

If animals rely on instinct to succeed, why can't we simply rely on our faithful Creator to give us all things for success? I'll tell ya why, we don't believe. We don't believe we are worth it. We don't believe that we are over comers. We don't think we can conquer that problem because it's just plain too big for us to handle. And so we cower back and let the problem determine our outcome. Uh-oh, there it is. We let the problem determine our destiny. We cave like a cheap deck of cards, throwing in the towel before it ever had a chance to get dirty.

You can do it. You just have to believe in yourself!

The scripture says if you are born of God, you are an over comer. Period. It does not list conditions to meet prior to success being yours; no. if you love Him, you are already an over comer. Why? It's part 2 of the scripture, "the victory that's overcome the world, our faith." There it is, faith. Believe! Simply believe. Believe that you're an overcomer, and you will be. Once you believe that with all your heart and soul, nothing can stop you from conquering that problem! There's nothing quite like going into a battle with the confidence that you've already won!

While I was running on said treadmill I was avoiding, Lily looked at me and said, no, she actually hollered, "RUN LIKE YA MEAN IT!" Apparently I was not running to my maximum capacity, sheesh kid, give a lady a break, I AM your mother after all!

So, if you need a Drill Sargent, I mean, if you need encouragement, take it from Lily. You can do it, believe in yourself and don't forget the last part - run like ya mean it. Whatever you do, do it with all your heart. After all, you already have overcome simply by your birthright.

Now excuse me while I find Lily a whistle...

Just keep singing!

My oldest daughter is 9, she'll be turning 10 in August; I will have a kid in the double digit age! Yikes. She is such a sweet girl, full of personality too, she seriously makes us laugh. That being said, her humor apparently only goes so far as she is embarrassed of my antics! I like to sing, a lot. Now I may not sing good, but I love to sing. I sing proper songs but I also sing random, made up songs. And don't get me started on Disney. I lose all inhibition when Joei Kate starts to play the "Frozen" soundtrack. On my bucket list is to be a voice over in a Disney film so I can't be held responsible for what happens when I hear music from a Disney film, it's just in me. Sorry kid.

Well, I often like to perform said antics when dropping the girls off at school, purely to harass my pre-tween daughter. I know, it sounds mean, and I stop quickly but I have to at least get a song out, or a random dance, just to see her pull me close and pretend to have something important to tell me for fear that I'll continue.

So this morning I was dropping her off at school and I began to process a great analogy the Lord gave me! Which, apparently that embarrasses her too! Sheesh, I can't win with this kid. But nonetheless, the Lord gave me a thought as we walked in the courtyard of her school. It was really foggy this morning; they do flag salute outside so Joei Kate said, "I bet we won't do flag salute outside since we can't see it!" To which I replied, "You'll be able to see it as you get closer, that's how it is in the fog. You can't see the object from a distance, but as you get closer, it becomes clearer."

As I sit down and begin to process this thought, the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:12 comes to mind: "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

Another translation says, "Now we see things dimly," and that's a great way to think of this life as well. We see things dimly, we see things imperfectly, every.single.day.

I like to know what's ahead, don't you? I like to know how that problem will be solved, I like to know what's going to happen for my loved ones future, I want to know exactly how point A is going to get to point B. In other words, I don't like the fog. I don't like to aim towards something I can't see! It's un-settling, it's frightening at times, and it can be downright scary.

But as we go through life, and different situations rise up that test our trust, if we really look carefully, we notice that as we move towards the situation, clarity is available for the moment. We may not see far ahead, we may even have .01 visibility, but there will be something. There will be something we can cling to, even if but for a moment. The saying "there's always a silver lining," bares witness. There is always something you can pull from your foggy situation, always. It may be the tiniest of tiny's but there has to be a tad visibility. As we move forward in faith, often times in blind faith, our current surroundings become clear. And as you move to the next step, and then the next step, and then the next, you will notice clarity that comes along with each movement. You may not see your object yet, you may not be able to zero in on exactly what lies ahead, but as you keep walking, you can trust that God will highlight your next step. And then the next, and then the next.

I love the scripture I just read; "all that I know now is partial and incomplete, but THEN I will know everything completely." Won't that be such an awesome day? When we know everything completely. Oh my goodness how I long for that. But for now, I'll keep stepping, I'll keep moving forward, I'll keep looking for the visibility that God would grant me, and you can bet I'll keep singing. After all, it's in me.

We don't say that word.

Shut-up. We don't say that word in our house, nor anywhere else for that matter. I just don't like the word so of course I teach my kids not to say it. However, there's a time and a place for it to be used. There is? Yes. Stay tuned.

Do ever just need a good dose of peace? I do. My mind can over run me to the point of exhaustion! I'll find myself worrying about people, or situations or things that I'd like fixed immediately rather than wait; only to eventually land at the same conclusion: I still have no control over any of it. I wonder if you can relate?

I love Isaiah 41:10, it's super familiar and we hear it quoted often at church, but today, I'm focusing on one word, "dismayed."

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Be not dismayed.

Now, I love this scripture for more reasons than the word "dismayed," but that word stuck out at me just now as I read it. What's funny is that earlier in the week, I read this scripture and my heart was drawn towards God holding us with His righteous right hand. I love how scripture does that, God lights up just what He wants you to read at that moment. It's truly His living Word.

Be not dismayed.

The definition of dismay is this: "To cause someone to be worried, disappointed or upset." Or how about this doozy, "To lose courage."

I've studied the topic of fear quite a lot over the years, as it's an area that used to hold me pretty tight. Fearing the things that could go wrong; fearing the "what if's" that our lives might bring. And because of time spent in the Word about the topic of fear, I can pretty easily give the "what if's" over to God. I realize I have no control over the future, and I know that I know that I know, that should something come up that seems unmanageable for me, I know that God would see me through the situation. I'm good with the start of the verse, "Fear not." I'm totally cool with that, I can rest there. I'm not afraid of the future because I do indeed know that God is with me. Fear not, He is with me. I'm there.

Be not dismayed.

Don't worry? Don't be disappointed? Don't be upset? Don't lose courage?

I can't be alone on this one, can I? We can all fill in the blank to this one: "I am dismayed over _______." That person you are constantly worrying about, be it a friend, a family member, a son or daughter, a spouse. That financial difficulty looming over your head. The health struggle perhaps you are currently facing; maybe you are trying to get your weight to a healthier place and the task is so daunting that it's far easier to "lose courage" then to keep fighting. Perhaps the dream that you know without a shadow of a doubt was birthed by God is nowhere near on the horizon and you are beyond disappointed, doubting you even heard God.

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

If we could get but a glimpse of the power that lies behind that statement, "for I am your God," we would not have room to be dismayed. If we only knew the wonder working power, I mean really really really knew His power, when something began to overwhelm us, we would simply say to our minds the word we Steelman's don't say: "SHUT-UP!" Just shut up!

SHUT UP!

I will not be dismayed, because God is with me. I will not be worried, because my Father owns the cattle on a thousand Hills, He has exactly what I need and He knows exactly how to get it to me. I will not be disappointed because I serve a sovereign God that knows the end from the beginning; He knows the right path I should be on so I'll simply follow His lead and I'll not see closed doors as disappointing but rather as God's sovereign hand moving in my life! I will not be upset over things I cannot control because my Father has solved more problems for me than I can even count, whatever I'm facing today is nothing to His mighty hand! And the last part of our definition is a powerful one: I will not lose courage! I will not lose courage because my Bible says that, "If God be for me, who can be against me?" Whatever problem I'm trying to whip today is not bigger than the power of Almighty God! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Read our verse once more and let it sink in your heart: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

He promises to strengthen us through it all...whatever is causing you to be dismayed today, know that God will give you the strength to get through it. He promises to help us, and whats more, He promises to hold us up with His righteous right hand. And what's in His hand is far more powerful than what could ever be in mine. So when it comes to the worry, to having disappointment, to being upset and to losing courage, I'll take what's in His hand. Besides, I can't control it anyway. So in a nicer term I'll end with this:

Dear mind, HUSH UP!

Chapter Four: Welcome the Scar

Chapter Four: Welcome the scar

I remember the evening I sat in church staring at the back of a man’s head. It was not just any man; it was the man that would eventually become my husband! However, my first encounter with him was indeed, staring at the back of his head. He had shaved all of his hair off at that point so I noticed a scar that he had. I now know what it came from, but then, I had no idea what caused it. Only that I was curious. And most definitely wanted to know more. Not that I had any ulterior motives or anything for getting to know him. Not that I baked him cookies in an effort to win his affection or anything. Not that I stalked his house night and day or anything. I would never do that…

Scars are funny little things aren’t they? The initial blow to your skin that causes an open wound is generally very painful that in the moment you are not thinking to yourself, “oh gee I can’t wait for this to scar over.” No, you are usually screaming or crying or if you’re a tough cat you are holding it in, or you are simply looking for a way to stop the pain.

I recall the day my mom finally got the courage up to leave my dad, once and for all. We had left him numerous times in the past, but this time, I knew it was different. In the past, we had left when he was passed out, usually creeping over his sleeping body. It’s not easy to sneak four kids, one of whom was a newborn, out of the house, but my mother managed to do it on more than one occasion. For whatever reason though, my dad would always woo her back with his empty promises of a life that would change.

This time was different though. He was not passed out. We were not tip-toing around his limp body in fear of what might happen if he woke up. We were not rushing to the car to escape to a relative’s house yet again. No, we were at home. And Jimmy was there.

For much of my life I have refereed to my father as Jimmy. When talking to anyone about him, I never liked to call him dad. Because he was not my dad. A dad does not do the things to their children that he did to us.

But somewhere along the way, as I grew older in my walk with the Lord, my heart softened. Honestly, I have not called him Jimmy in years. I have to wonder if the reason I did that to begin with was out of fresh pain. When a wound is initially gained on a person, it hurts! So we do all that we can to stop the hurt. We try to apply pressure, we use band-aids, and we seek medical attention. And amidst all of that, if we are in extreme pain, we will say and do things that are not within the confines of our normal character.

If that’s how it goes when we find ourselves in physical pain, we have to assume it’s the same for emotional pain. We all, at one point or another, will come to a place of emotional trauma, leaving us frantically wandering around in an attempt to do all we can to stop the pain.

Often times we make choices out of that pain that incidentally cause us more harm than they do good. We choose to get involved in wrong relationships; all the while knowing the person is toxic for our well-being. Or we numb ourselves with drugs or alcohol, risking so much for a momentary peace. Perhaps we lose all hope that anything good will ever happen to us and so we give up.

Friends, I beg you to hear this: if we give up in the midst of the pain, we forsake the opportunity for the scar.

Now yes, a scar is not attractive by any means. I have a huge scar on my knee that my grandpa wanted to have removed when he paid for me to go into modeling school. Yes, you read that right. The girl that felt ugly since Kindergarten went to modeling school as a pre-teen. You can imagine how that went…

Anyhow, scars are unsightly. Most people don’t think to themselves “oh my how I’d love a scar, it’s so beautiful.” In fact, people get them removed. But think about it like this, a scar is beautiful to the person that endured the original pain. Because they remember how much it hurt.

A scar is ugly? Tell that to the woman who endured a mastectomy and yet has went on to conquer cancer through taking the necessary treatments. Sure she endured tremendous difficulty with it, but as she stares at herself in the mirror, that scar reminds her of the champion she has become.

A scar is ugly? Tell that to the man that bravely fought in Vietnam. He risked his life to preserve the honor of this great nation and in so doing lost both of his legs. As he stares in the mirror at the scars on his body, he stares in the face of a hero.

A scar is ugly? Tell that to the single mother, doing her best to raise her kids. She decides to leave the abusive man that has left numerous physical wounds on her face. As she stares in the mirror at the damage he has done, she stares into the face of a brave woman.

A scar is ugly? Tell that to the young woman, abused and rejected by her father. Forced to grow up far too early, helping to raise her siblings. The pain inside of her heart is unbearable. Until she meets Jesus. And He begins to walk her through healing…it’s long, it’s hard, it’s at times painful. But slowly, over time, forgiveness begins to win the game, the pain begins to subside. And before she knows it, she stares into the mirror, and she see’s me.

We remember the pain. So we welcome the scar.

As I stood on the worn red brick that surrounded our fireplace, my siblings all lined up next to me, my seven year old heart was nowhere near the scarring point. In fact, what took place next is a wound that took years and years to scar.

My mom had finally done it, she finally made up her mind that she had taken all could take. This was it, she was divorcing my dad, not that I even fully knew what that meant. I did however know this, this was different; we were not sneaking out, we were not afraid, we didn’t have to be quiet…except we were. I recall my dad kneeling down in front of us, trying his best to say goodbye. As he stood there in a white t-shirt, the only thing I actually focused on him saying was “you’re mom is making me leave.” Everything after that was a blur. It was a blur because I was trying my hardest not to cry. I wanted to cry. I desperately wanted to cry. I had a lump in my throat that was so painful, you know the familiar feeling you get when you know you need to release the emotion that your neck actually hurts? I felt that. But my seven year old wounded heart was not about to give that man the satisfaction of seeing me cry. It was all I could do to keep that emotion inside. But I did it. And in that moment, I was proud that I did. He did not deserve to see me cry. After all, it was his fault.

Even still, there is something so deep in a little girls heart that longs to be able to share emotion with her father. But thus began many years of keeping my emotions bottled up inside, not willing to share them with anyone. Just in case they too choose to reject me, as my father did.

I’m so thankful for scars. That pain has scarred over now, and if you sit with me for more than ten consecutive seconds you are liable to see my emotion! There’s no holding the floodgates back anymore. I probably need to work on that actually! But it’s me. I cry. I laugh. I get mad. Then I cry some more. I’m just wired that way. I stuffed all those feelings down for far too much of my life so lookout folks, the Jen you get now may be a little overboard with emotion, but I can’t help it. I blame the scars. And then I thank them.