Lily & I were just at Walmart, getting a few things we needed to get us through the week, God bless Walmart and their low prices. I am thankful for that store when I go early in the morning, when I go later, I despise the place! But today, it was early so all was well with my soul.
Anyway, that is not the point of this post, but somehow I just gravitate towards a Walmart rant!
So as I was in the produce section, gearing up to purchase some banana's from the low price leader, an older gentlemen looked at me, and I could tell he was trying to process my face. He apologized for doing a double take, said I looked like his daughter, but that there was no way she would be there shopping as she does not live near here. I continued to see him throughout the rest of my trip, making awkward corny jokes, as you do when you see someone that you had a small convo with, but yet you don't know them. You know the kind. You see them at the end of the aisle and think oh gee, what can I say now in regards to me being his daughter. I think at one point he jokingly called me daughter and I do believe I responded with "have a great day dad!" Yes, it was that cheezy and that bad. Leave it to Walmart to bring that out of me.
Of course, he was behind me in the check out line, because well, the awkwardness had to finish out the trip right? So as I was walking away from my pretend dad, something within me began to well up with emotion. It was the bizarrest thing. I started to tear up thinking gosh, that must be so cool to have a dad. Walmart has seen many of my emotions, tearing up though probably was not one of them! But alas, there I was, feeling emotional and a tad sad that I did not have the relationship that an earthly Father should present to their daughter.
My dad is now gone from this earth, and we did not have much of a relationship to speak of anyway, the time I did have with him is not looked upon with fondness, unfortunately. Although we were able to have a wonderful time of reconciliation before his death, and I thank the Lord for that hour I spent with him, but that's a different post for another time! I'm curious to see what the Lord has for our relationship when I get to Heaven.
I also have a step-dad that I've not seen in years. I often wonder what he is up to these days. But anyway, that too is another post!
The fact remains that I do not currently have a relationship with any father, and that's a bummer. Now, I don't think about it on a daily basis, or even on a weekly basis, really I don't think of that lack very often. But to be fair, there are moments every now and again that I think man, I wish I had a dad. A good dad. Bummer deal.
Yes, God has most definitely become my Father. He has given me joy, peace, security, all those things that an earthly dad is supposed to provide for his daughter, God has been that to me. He has given me double for my trouble, He has given me a life I never thought I'd get to enjoy! Having said that, I'm human. So as long as I live in this earthly shell of a body, there will always be that tiny hole that was left by my father. Has God healed me of the hurt caused by my dad? Yes. Has God filled every void in my life with His wonderful presence? Of course He has. But God created this little girl with an earthly longing for a father, and since that does not exist on this earth, there will be the occasional twinge of sadness for that loss. And I think that is ok. It's ok with God. And it's ok with me.
I think sometimes, we as Christians, think we succumb to some sort of defeat if we allow ourselves to feel any negative emotion, especially a negative emotion that God has sought to free us from. My walk with the Lord is a special one to me, very special. We have the most intimate conversations, nobody knows me like Jesus does. I am thankful for the victory that He has given me over the years, victory in so many areas. He is precious to me, and He is, indeed, my Father. I am not bitter at my dad, I'm not angry at him, I have no un-forgiveness in my heart towards him, so I don't know about you, but that says "Victory" to me! Do I take back that victory by having a few moments of sadness over something I missed out on? No. Absolutely not. Does it diminish anything God has done in my life, any healing He has done in my heart? No. Absolutely not.
The Bible says that "weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning." Sure, I was sad there at Walmart today...but am I going to stay sad? No. That my friends, is where the victory lies. Yes, it's a bummer that I don't have a dad. I sure wish I did. That would be super cool! But I don't. Bummer deal. But I'm choosing to keep going with my head held high! I'm choosing to keep being the daughter that any dad would be proud to have! Because God has made me that way. I want to be the best daughter for the Lord, because He has given me a purpose and something to do in this life. I think I make God proud. I could not have said that years ago, but now, as the Lord has done so much healing in my life, I think He looks at me and says "my sweet, kind, beautiful daughter, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud."
And He says that for you to. No matter what area in your life it is that may occasionally cause you sadness, there is victory for you too. Just because it saddens you sometimes, doesn't diminish your victory. Nope. I dunno, but maybe, just maybe it strengthens it. Because it's in the moments like I had today, that I realize just how far God has brought me. I realize just how much I'm loved. And I realize just how human I am. And that's ok.
