I'm wearing a bikini

I'm 37 years old. I have not wore a bikini since I was probably 4, when, in all honesty, is clearly the only acceptable age to wear a bikini and the only, I will say again in caps for effectiveness, the ONLY time it's cute to see butt cheeks hanging out of a swimsuit. Speaking of butt cheeks, I was shopping for underwear the other day, (something I've not done in years, again and in caps, YEARS I say) and there are panties called "Cheekers." Ok, for one, the percentage of women that can pull off wearing cheekers is slim to none, seriously. Long gone is the firm butt... Secondly, how uncomfortable?

Wow, this post is going nowhere fast.

I've struggled with weight since I was a teenager. It's not been a regular sort of struggle, if you will. You know, the kind of struggle that most people have when it comes to diet and exercise and the war of wills and yada, yada. My struggle goes deep. If you know my story, you know that having grown up in an abusive home, a root of shame became my normal early on. So food was, well, it was my comfort. And over the years, shame kept me hating the extra weight and loving it at the same time...weight was my defense mechanism, it was my protection.

In recent years, I've begun to gain some victory in this area, with the help and leading of the Lord. I've got a long way to go in the re-training of my mind, my body and my habits but I'm happy with the progress so far. I've begun to focus on the things that my body can do now, things that it could not do before. Yes, I'd be lying if I didn't say I wanted to look better too...but it makes me feel so proud of myself to see the strength that's growing.

I realize this is a topic to tread carefully because I know the pain it is to be overweight...and I know the pain it is to hear people talk about losing weight and their success story and the annoyance that can go along with hearing it! Trust me, we've all seen the pictures people post about their awesomeness and we've all rolled our eyes a time or two. Or twenty.

So I'm not sharing a typical success story; I'm not going to post a picture that I bribed Kate to take of me working out and pretend I didn't know how it got there. I'm still marching this long, long road...

Success in this area has to be different for me. Because my struggle has gone so deep, I can't be a Weight Watchers victory, losing the weight and voila, success. It has to go deeper. Today, I got a glimpse of what success is to me.

My girls have obviously watched my journey: Kate, being the oldest has seen more of the change in me physically but diet and exercise is something we talk about often in our home. We try to talk about the benefits of healthy eating and how it fuels our bodies; I never want to link food to the way we look, at least when it comes to talking with my girls. We may, or may not have ate gelato for lunch but never mind that... I have tried so hard to keep their self-esteem high, not swayed by the standards the world sets.

I've been doing kickboxing for nearly 2 years now and it's the thing that's really helped me; I have accountability with my instructor who has become a good friend so it keeps me looking forward to going and I stick to it. The girls have come with me on occasion and so they see how hard I have worked.

Well, I've been trying on bathing suits ALL WEEK long. I'm partial to CAPS today. But seriously, ALL WEEK long. I loathe trying on suits, LOATHE it. But we are going to the beach soon and it had to be done. The girls have been going with me and at first they found great sport in watching me try on suits. Poor kids, things are jigglin' that should not be jigglin' and I fear the pictures that are forever etched in their memories of mom trying to squeeze into a piece of lycra.

Then they started doing the "Kate and Lily Surprise," which consisted of them picking out a suit for me to try on and sneaking it in the dressing room. Well, they chose a bikini.

Ok, remember, 4 years old, that's the only acceptable age for a bikini. But to humor them, I tried it on. I told Kate it was comfortable but no way would I wear it! For one, I'm many years away from age 4 y'all. And quite honestly, I'm extremely modest. My girls know that as well, we talk about it often, modesty ranks very high on my list of priorities and to me, showing my stomach (even if it was "showable") is not modest.

Kate went on and on, harassing me continuously in Target over the bikini. "Mom, you have worked so hard, you earned this!" All through the store...on and on. I was enjoying the encouragement they were both giving me and it's the first time I've really heard them share their thoughts on the matter. I didn't realize they noticed, but they did.

Well we left Target, without a bikini. But today, found ourselves back at Target looking yet AGAIN for a suit. ALL WEEK long y'all.

They snuck in more bikini's to wich I said no to again and again. And then on our way out, I saw a bikini top on clearance and thought what the heck, for $5.98 I can make Kate's day. So I got it.

I got home and tried it on for the girls...you guys, they were so proud of me. They were so happy that I got it and were over the moon with excitement of how good it looked on me.

Ok, let me say this, it does NOT look good. Not by any stretch of the imagination. My stomach is loose and full of stretch marks. My butt and my thighs are full of cellulite and all manner of crazy. But to my girls, my sweet precious girls that are being raised in a society where unless you are air-brushed you are of no beauty, to them, I look beautiful.

Should I wear this bikini? No. No I should not. It goes against everything I stand for; all the way from caring what people think to my modesty, just all sorts of wrongness about it.

But you know what supersedes all those things? My babies.

As I've strived to keep them from struggling with the horrific sense of shame that I have struggled with, as I've done all that I know how to do to protect their sense of beauty, strength and dignity, I could crush that in a second if I told them "mommy just does not see what you girls see."

So yes, I will wear the $5.68 bikini top and call it good. I will not care what anyone thinks of this old gal wearing it; I will look at my stretch marks and remember why I have them in the first place. God gave me two special kids who, in spite of ALL my mothering failures, showed me today that they see beauty, strength and dignity in their mom. And to me, that's all the success I could ever hope for.