Dig your heels in!

There's a topic that's stirring in my heart today, and thinking about it now, it actually has been simmering in my heart all week. It's in regards to digging our heels in...let me explain.

Have you ever been to the beach and played in the waves? As you stand there, the wave comes rushing over you and as it makes it's way back to the ocean, if you dig your heels in, it almost feels as if you are moving, even though are completely still.

We just got back from a week at the beach, what a great time we had! Kate amazed even her own self with how well she did on a body board and Lily, well... Our first day at the beach was late in the afternoon and she was tired. As we were leaving she began to melt down over the sand that was all over her. She declared "I love the beach, I just hate the sand!" Ooookkkk.

Thankfully day 2 was much more enjoyable for her though, as we all played in the waves together. I held her hand as the waves crashed over us and she would yell, "Lily's in the lead" if a wave didn't cause her to fall. She would taunt each wave as it formed, warning it that 'you mr. wave are clearly no match for Lily.' Until she would see a huge wave begin to form, she would change her confession to "Lily might not be in the lead, dun, dun, dunnnnn!"

If the "hinormous" wave made her fall, she would tell the world that Lily was currently in 2nd place, then she would get back up and prepare to take back her role in the lead as she stood the test of waver after wave, digging her heels in. This continued over and over and over. She would be in the lead, get knocked down, get back up and declare yet again her lead position. She just kept getting back up...

There was no option of retreat for Lily. In fact, she would still be there playing the same exact game if her perfect world existed! Quitting was not on the table, no matter how much water she ingested from being knocked down. The size of the wave was no mach for her tenacious spirit. Retreat? Heck no. She took back the lead every.single.time.

So why don't we? We might find ourselves in a situation that has stripped us of our lead position so to speak - we are caught in a place of seemingly unanswered prayers - in the midst of a black night - left with more questions than answers - abandoned - alone - scared - frustrated - angry - confused - afraid.

I feel this so strongly in my spirit today for anyone needing to hear this, DIG YOUR HEELS IN. Dig your heels in and DO NOT WAIVER. It does not matter the size of the wave, it does not matter if it knocks you down momentarily, it does not matter if the answer does not develop in the way you expected it to, DIG YOUR BLASTED HEELS IN and do not move. God knows you. He knows your name. He knows the things that are against you but He also knows what is for you, and what is FOR you is far greater than what is against you.

So in whatever season you find yourself today, dig your heels in and take back your lead position. Our circumstances don't have to change to be in the lead, but our attitude sure does. We dig in to God's Word, reading it with a ferociousness about it, we can't get enough of it. We dig in through prayer, laying our requests to God and thanking Him for the outcome, however He see's fit to bring it. We dig in with thanksgiving, rejoicing over all that God has done in the past. We dig in through obedience, obeying God's Word and His commands. We dig in through consistency, not being moved by what surrounds us but sticking to what we know to do.

As the waves begin to move back to where they came, dig those heels in, you'll feel like your moving, but you won't be. You'll be completely still. Complete in the God that knows you. Complete in the fact that if He is for you, than nobody can be against you. Complete in the knowledge that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion. Complete in Him, regardless of the waves.

Get back in the lead...nobody can take that position from you unless you let them.

I'm wearing a bikini

I'm 37 years old. I have not wore a bikini since I was probably 4, when, in all honesty, is clearly the only acceptable age to wear a bikini and the only, I will say again in caps for effectiveness, the ONLY time it's cute to see butt cheeks hanging out of a swimsuit. Speaking of butt cheeks, I was shopping for underwear the other day, (something I've not done in years, again and in caps, YEARS I say) and there are panties called "Cheekers." Ok, for one, the percentage of women that can pull off wearing cheekers is slim to none, seriously. Long gone is the firm butt... Secondly, how uncomfortable?

Wow, this post is going nowhere fast.

I've struggled with weight since I was a teenager. It's not been a regular sort of struggle, if you will. You know, the kind of struggle that most people have when it comes to diet and exercise and the war of wills and yada, yada. My struggle goes deep. If you know my story, you know that having grown up in an abusive home, a root of shame became my normal early on. So food was, well, it was my comfort. And over the years, shame kept me hating the extra weight and loving it at the same time...weight was my defense mechanism, it was my protection.

In recent years, I've begun to gain some victory in this area, with the help and leading of the Lord. I've got a long way to go in the re-training of my mind, my body and my habits but I'm happy with the progress so far. I've begun to focus on the things that my body can do now, things that it could not do before. Yes, I'd be lying if I didn't say I wanted to look better too...but it makes me feel so proud of myself to see the strength that's growing.

I realize this is a topic to tread carefully because I know the pain it is to be overweight...and I know the pain it is to hear people talk about losing weight and their success story and the annoyance that can go along with hearing it! Trust me, we've all seen the pictures people post about their awesomeness and we've all rolled our eyes a time or two. Or twenty.

So I'm not sharing a typical success story; I'm not going to post a picture that I bribed Kate to take of me working out and pretend I didn't know how it got there. I'm still marching this long, long road...

Success in this area has to be different for me. Because my struggle has gone so deep, I can't be a Weight Watchers victory, losing the weight and voila, success. It has to go deeper. Today, I got a glimpse of what success is to me.

My girls have obviously watched my journey: Kate, being the oldest has seen more of the change in me physically but diet and exercise is something we talk about often in our home. We try to talk about the benefits of healthy eating and how it fuels our bodies; I never want to link food to the way we look, at least when it comes to talking with my girls. We may, or may not have ate gelato for lunch but never mind that... I have tried so hard to keep their self-esteem high, not swayed by the standards the world sets.

I've been doing kickboxing for nearly 2 years now and it's the thing that's really helped me; I have accountability with my instructor who has become a good friend so it keeps me looking forward to going and I stick to it. The girls have come with me on occasion and so they see how hard I have worked.

Well, I've been trying on bathing suits ALL WEEK long. I'm partial to CAPS today. But seriously, ALL WEEK long. I loathe trying on suits, LOATHE it. But we are going to the beach soon and it had to be done. The girls have been going with me and at first they found great sport in watching me try on suits. Poor kids, things are jigglin' that should not be jigglin' and I fear the pictures that are forever etched in their memories of mom trying to squeeze into a piece of lycra.

Then they started doing the "Kate and Lily Surprise," which consisted of them picking out a suit for me to try on and sneaking it in the dressing room. Well, they chose a bikini.

Ok, remember, 4 years old, that's the only acceptable age for a bikini. But to humor them, I tried it on. I told Kate it was comfortable but no way would I wear it! For one, I'm many years away from age 4 y'all. And quite honestly, I'm extremely modest. My girls know that as well, we talk about it often, modesty ranks very high on my list of priorities and to me, showing my stomach (even if it was "showable") is not modest.

Kate went on and on, harassing me continuously in Target over the bikini. "Mom, you have worked so hard, you earned this!" All through the store...on and on. I was enjoying the encouragement they were both giving me and it's the first time I've really heard them share their thoughts on the matter. I didn't realize they noticed, but they did.

Well we left Target, without a bikini. But today, found ourselves back at Target looking yet AGAIN for a suit. ALL WEEK long y'all.

They snuck in more bikini's to wich I said no to again and again. And then on our way out, I saw a bikini top on clearance and thought what the heck, for $5.98 I can make Kate's day. So I got it.

I got home and tried it on for the girls...you guys, they were so proud of me. They were so happy that I got it and were over the moon with excitement of how good it looked on me.

Ok, let me say this, it does NOT look good. Not by any stretch of the imagination. My stomach is loose and full of stretch marks. My butt and my thighs are full of cellulite and all manner of crazy. But to my girls, my sweet precious girls that are being raised in a society where unless you are air-brushed you are of no beauty, to them, I look beautiful.

Should I wear this bikini? No. No I should not. It goes against everything I stand for; all the way from caring what people think to my modesty, just all sorts of wrongness about it.

But you know what supersedes all those things? My babies.

As I've strived to keep them from struggling with the horrific sense of shame that I have struggled with, as I've done all that I know how to do to protect their sense of beauty, strength and dignity, I could crush that in a second if I told them "mommy just does not see what you girls see."

So yes, I will wear the $5.68 bikini top and call it good. I will not care what anyone thinks of this old gal wearing it; I will look at my stretch marks and remember why I have them in the first place. God gave me two special kids who, in spite of ALL my mothering failures, showed me today that they see beauty, strength and dignity in their mom. And to me, that's all the success I could ever hope for.