I'm scheduled to give birth at 11:00 in the morning, tomorrow. I cannot fully seem to wrap my head around it though, as if it's not really happening. Sure, for 9 months I have carried this baby around inside, doing my best to nurture her to full term...and now that the day is here for her to officially join our family, I cannot seem to find words to express what I feel.
I look forward to meeting her; what will she look like? What will she weigh? What is her personality going to be? What will she become one day? The usual stuff races through my head.
Yes, I cannot wait to meet her, and get to know her, but I can't help but feel a little sad at the same time. I'm really struggling to word this right, like I said, I can't express it.
I guess it all comes down to this: tomorrow morning, Lisa will show up, we will leave for the hospital, and I will say goodbye to my one and only daughter, the one whom I have grown to love so much more than the day I first met her. I could never imagine this kind of love, no matter how many people tried to prepare me for it. It has been just Joei, her dad and me, against the world for close to four years...how do you transition to a family of four? How do you allow a new person into your already well-formed clique?
I have heard people say the same thing, wondering how you have enough love to go around....and they all agree, that you just do. But in this moment, in the right now, I can't see how that happens. All I can think of is my little tubby in her bed, sacked out like a light, waiting for morning to hit so she can run in our room and be the center of attention for the entire day and night! I have so enjoyed hanging out with Joei on our own for the time we have had.
Tomorrow is a new day though, a new dawn for our family. We will no longer be a family of three, will be four. Joei is thrilled to bits to meet her new sister, and I am equally as thrilled, if not more so, to see Joei's face. She already loves this baby and it's not even out yet! And you know something, I do too.
I love this baby. And I look forward to falling further in love with her as I get to know her. I don't know why God sees fit to bless me with another child, but for whatever reason, I'm thankful. I will do my best to make it all work...that both my kids would feel loved and cherished all the days of their lives. Will I blow it? Yes. But my prayer is and will always be that they will know mama loves them...
So while I feel like I am mourning the end of an era, so to speak, I look forward to embracing another little life; a new family member. We will truly be the fantastic four!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
My top 10
Top 5 things I love about being pregnant and the top 5 things I loathe about the whole ordeal; in no particular order!
Loathe:
5 - Watching the scale creep. Along the same lines, the nurse weighs you on one of those lame scales, with the weight on it...why was one nurse so darn quick to jump to the 200 huh? C'mon. At least humor me. But then I had another nurse put that weight on the 150 and I thought ok, don't patronize me. We all know I've packed it on here.
4 - The "sisters" look like objects from another world.
3 - Shaving anything on your body resembles some sort of circus act.
2 - Sleeping. It's just not easy on any level. You turn right, you feel like a turtle. You turn left, you feel like a beached whale. Basically you have become some sort of animal with a child attached to your innards.
1 - The comments. Oh the comments. And the dumbest ones tend to be from men. "Oh did you know you have something growing on you?" Hmmm, no, I hadn't noticed, thanks. Or my favorite yet, "and here I thought you were just putting on weight?" Really? Seriously? Someone let you out of the house with that kind of stupidity flowing through your veins? Ok, ok, I digress.
Must.control.hormones.
Love:
5 - Feeling the baby move for the first time & along the same lines, hearing the heartbeat.
4 - Not having to suck in my stomach.
3 - The joy of ordering something ever so fattening at a restaurant and not feeling like I have to explain myself, or justify the splurge because hello, "there clearly is something growing on me!"
2 - The way my daughter kisses my belly and talks to her sister, it melts me every time.
1 - Honored. I'm honored that for whatever reason, God thinks I can handle this.
Loathe:
5 - Watching the scale creep. Along the same lines, the nurse weighs you on one of those lame scales, with the weight on it...why was one nurse so darn quick to jump to the 200 huh? C'mon. At least humor me. But then I had another nurse put that weight on the 150 and I thought ok, don't patronize me. We all know I've packed it on here.
4 - The "sisters" look like objects from another world.
3 - Shaving anything on your body resembles some sort of circus act.
2 - Sleeping. It's just not easy on any level. You turn right, you feel like a turtle. You turn left, you feel like a beached whale. Basically you have become some sort of animal with a child attached to your innards.
1 - The comments. Oh the comments. And the dumbest ones tend to be from men. "Oh did you know you have something growing on you?" Hmmm, no, I hadn't noticed, thanks. Or my favorite yet, "and here I thought you were just putting on weight?" Really? Seriously? Someone let you out of the house with that kind of stupidity flowing through your veins? Ok, ok, I digress.
Must.control.hormones.
Love:
5 - Feeling the baby move for the first time & along the same lines, hearing the heartbeat.
4 - Not having to suck in my stomach.
3 - The joy of ordering something ever so fattening at a restaurant and not feeling like I have to explain myself, or justify the splurge because hello, "there clearly is something growing on me!"
2 - The way my daughter kisses my belly and talks to her sister, it melts me every time.
1 - Honored. I'm honored that for whatever reason, God thinks I can handle this.
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