Drives me bonkers

You know what drives me bonkers? When my kids don't trust me. If they are worried about something, I do my best to calm their fears, trying to use my life experience to bring rationalization to whatever situation they are facing. However, they don't always accept my explanation but rather they choose to feel the way their nature is leading them to feel. Sometimes I want to scream, "I AM YOUR MOTHER, WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME AND BELIEVE WHAT I'M TELLING YOU!" Bonkers I tell ya, bonkers.

So I turned another year older yesterday. Hip hip hooray right. Quite honestly I don't mind getting older. With it, however, always comes soul searching for me. I contemplate things I've carried for years and I contemplate how to quit carrying said things. I had a lot of quiet time yesterday, driving around and just thinking. I found myself soaking in the music I was listening to and just allowing God to settle upon my soul. In so doing, as God often does with me, He dropped something down in my heart that I knew was from. And as I've been pondering it, I'm realizing it's more than just a yearly heart checkup for me, it's something I need to fully embrace. This is what God impressed upon me:

"Trust Me with abandon."

Trust me with abandon. Ok God, what does that look like? Well, we most often deem the word "abandon" in a negative light, right? In fact, the definition of abandon is this, "give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking)." Hmmm.

When we abandon something, we bankrupt our attention from it. To abandon something is to completely withdraw from it, to walk away, to have nothing to do with it. And it's a verb, meaning it's an action word.

"Trust me with abandon?" But what does that look like God?

If you are at all like me, and I suspect many women are, you carry worry. I carry burdens like I carry my bottle of big sexy hairspray, meaning I carry it ALL THE TIME.

I've got family that I'm concerned about right now. I've got other issues that cause me worry. And while I like to think that I, "trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not onto my own understanding," I am seeing that clearly I do not fully do that. Because as I carry these burdens, it leaves me with the mentality that somehow in MY own understanding I am going to fix the problem(s.) I think of all the ways that I can fix the situation. But here is the smack in the face, I CAN FIX NOTHING. I AM NOT GOD. Say it with me, all my fellow worry warts, "I AM NOT GOD."

So if I'm going to trust God with abandon, then that means I have to take the worry to God in prayer, and then I have to train myself to leave it there. Take it to prayer and leave it there. Take it to prayer and leave it there. I have to abandon control. Oooo, say it again Mufasa. I have to abandon control. The funniest, and not the slap your knee kinda funny, is that I don't have control over it anyhow. But in my little mind that's polluted by big sexy hairspray, I think I do. Because I operate in my understanding. I lean on it. It's my crutch. It's my obsession.

As the definition says, "to give up completely," I have to literally give up completely. That means I have to take my family member, I have to take whatever the issue is that's taking up my mental space, and I have to say, "God, here is the situation. You know it far greater than I do and You already have the answer on the way. So I'm going to abandon control over this issue to you. By my thinking about it obsessively is just my way of trying to lean on my own understanding. So today, I abandon the issue. I leave it completely. It's yours. I ask You to intervene and fix it in whatever way you see fit. In the mighty name of Jesus, amen."

And then comes the real test, 2 seconds after I pray that prayer when the worry comes right back. Again, I must abandon it. It's no longer my issue. It's God's. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I want to end this with some powerful scripture to dwell on when my measly understanding tries to take over. It's found in 2 Samuel.

"As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." Oh man that's good. His way is perfect. He can do a far better job at meeting my need than my understanding can. And His Word is proven. Time and time again. And He is a shield to those that trust Him. I need His shield about me. I need His covering, I need His provision, I need His love, I need His oversight, I need His answers, I need His favor, I NEED HIM. So I better trust Him. After all, I certainly don't want to drive Him bonkers.