Oh ya, that book...

I've mentioned before that I'm working on a book; a few of you have been so kind as to ask me about it's progress! The operative word here being "working." It's taking quite some time to actually be able say that I'm "working" on it at all. My hopes are that in the fall, when our regular routine starts up (actually I can't say it's a regular routine as it will be a new routine!) I plan to devote much more time to it. At any rate, I thought I'd share a chapter of it that I have done with you. It's totally a rough draft, so forgive my errors and if it flat does not make sense! But I would love your feedback. Thank you!

Chapter Three: I am enough

Madison Avenue was a very busy street; it was years ago when I lived there and it still is to this day. The street was lined with huge bushes, to provide a barrier to the noise, albeit unsuccessfully. I remember the flower they produced so vividly, as I walked Madison Avenue often.

One particular day my mom sent me to the gas station to pick up a loaf of bread. I was probably about 7 years old at the time, and the walk was pretty far for my little legs to take me, at least half a mile if not more. I did not mind the walk; it gave me something to do. And although I had to cross a busy intersection, again, no matter to me. The downside to this journey was that as you will recall, we were on State assistance for food therefore I went without cash, but with food stamps. I don’t know how my little mind knew that it was embarrassing to have to use food stamps. I don’t ever recall being teased about it or anyone even knowing for that matter, but for some reason, I just knew that it was not how the majority of my friends’ families functioned.

Perhaps it was because when I was able to sleep over at a friend’s house, I always was thrilled when it came time to eat! We always got to have something for dinner that was different than the beans and rice, or top ramen that I’d grown accustomed to. And when I slept over on a school night, look out world, Jen was taking a sack lunch to school! Complete with a Kudos bar! It was hog heaven for me.

Now don’t get me wrong, we never went without food. Sure we had food stamps, and yes I recall getting food from a church, but we never were without. And the reason for that is because my grandparents were always there. My dad’s parents, they took care of us in lieu of their son’s responsibility. At the start of every school year, they bought us clothes, and often, groceries. Very early on in life, we started spending weekends with them. I cherished those times. We went to pizza every Saturday night and breakfast every Sunday morning. Funny how I recall every food related detail. No, I don’t have food issues or anything! My Grandparents were an integral part of my childhood.

Back to my walk to the Gas station. I eventually made my way there, grabbed the loaf of bread and placed it on the counter. I gave the man my food stamps, more than enough to cover the cost. No big deal right? Well, you would think I’d committed treason the way the clerk treated me. He would not let me have the bread. He said my mother needed to be with me if I was going to use the food stamps. And so I left. Without my bread. And without any ounce of dignity I had left inside my 7 year old little heart.

It wasn’t the lack of bread that hurt me, even though I knew it was an inconvenience to go home empty handed to my mom who had enough on her extremely full yet somehow empty plate. It was the shame that filled me in that moment. I already was embarrassed to be on state assistance. I already was embarrassed to have to pull the food stamps out of my pocket and place it on the counter for someone to see it and know of my plight. I guess in my mind, seeing that food stamp told my story. In my mind, if someone saw that food stamp, well then surely they knew all the dark secrets that our little duplex on Madison Avenue held. Surely they knew of the addiction that resided there, surely they knew of the abuse that took place. In my mind, that food stamp represented all that I was. The shame, and the embarrassment that was me. And it was not enough. That’s what I left the gas station with that day, the reminder that I’m not enough.

What would it have taken that man to just to give me the loaf of bread, to spare me the humiliation? I wish the adult version of me could have came up behind me that day and done what I would do if I saw that situation play out now. If I saw a child attempting to purchase a measly loaf of bread I would happily buy that sweet kid the bread. And then some candy. And then maybe a toy! Anything to reverse the shame that was clearly overwhelming that child.

But the adult version of me did not come to my aid that day. Nor did anyone else for that matter. And so it became just another time where the reality of my world was evident; that I was not enough.

I wasn’t enough to cause my father to stop drinking. I wasn’t enough to keep my parents together, striving for a better life for my siblings and myself. I wasn’t enough. That was my reality then. But it’s not my reality now!

I am enough! I may have been “a statistic waiting to happen” as someone once labeled me but I can say now, with my head held high, that I AM ENOUGH! God thinks I’m pretty special. He says in His Word that “greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world.” So clearly He thinks I’m enough if He is willing to reside inside me. If God is willing to live in this heart of mine, this heart that has been broken more times than I care to count, this heart that has been stepped on by people, trampled on and rejected, if the Almighty Creator of this world still chooses to dwell in my heart then wow, I guess I am enough. And so are you.

No matter what life has labeled you, no matter what hand you have been dealt in this life, you are enough. You are enough! You have what it takes to make it. You can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you want to do. Greater is He that lives inside of you. God does not dwell in worthless habitats. It’s not in His character to do so. He is far to genius for that. He is much to royal to lower His standards to abide in a place of not enough.

Jesus says in John 15:4, “Abide in me and I in you.” Wait a minute, what? Abide in me and I in you? The same God that so delicately created the flower abides in me? The same God that so powerfully created the rushing wind and the mighty waves, He abides in me? Yes. Yes He does. The same God that created the strong and powerful Volcano to erupt is the same God that so tenderly hand crafted you in the womb.

The clerk at the gas station that day had no idea what he did when he turned away a little tow headed 7-year-old girl. But that’s ok. Because every time I buy a loaf of bread now, I’m going to take a moment to thank God, not only for the means to buy the bread, but to thank Him for the sweet reminder that He gives me, that I’m enough. Perhaps you will do the same.